Comical lethal injection coverage from The Onion

Proving yet again that it truly is “America’s Finest News Source,” The Onion has this new coverage of the legal brouhaha over lethal injection protocols. The article is headlined “Lethal Injection Ban Leads To Rise In Back-Alley Lethal Injections,” and here are just a few of many highlights:

To all outward appearances, “Kevin” is a typical Southern state governor.  He enjoys vetoing bills, attending ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and hanging out with friends.  But the recent suspension of lethal injections in 10 states has put Kevin’s political life in serious jeopardy. Unable to wait for the U.S. Supreme Court to determine whether the practice constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, Kevin, like many young governors who find themselves saddled with an unwanted death row inmate, has been forced to take desperate action and obtain an illegal back-alley lethal injection.

“It was awful,” said Kevin, who still suffers from nightmares after witnessing the prisoner die in horrible agony without any anesthesia.  “We did it on an old card table. All the equipment was really rusty and dirty.  I just closed my eyes and prayed for it to be over.”  “I had my whole political career ahead of me,” Kevin continued through tears. “If I didn’t do it, the voters would have left me. I couldn’t see any other way.”…

Lethal injection has long been a polarizing issue and, according to proponents of the banned procedure, Kevin’s story is becoming all too common.  Dr. Daniel Blecker, a professor at the University of California, Berkeley, School of Law, and expert on capital punishment, said that the illegal back-alley execution trend will only intensify if the ban is upheld….  “The reality of the situation is that you can’t legislate lethal injections away,” Blecker said. “If governors can’t inhumanely execute prisoners legally in prisons, they’re going to turn elsewhere for the procedure.  More often than not with tragic results.”