Never mind the buttocks, here’s the sentencing pistols
The title of this post represents my lame-ass attempt to devise a post title that is as humorous and as dirty as this federal criminal justice story sent to me by a kind reader. The headline of the story is “Feds Bust Man Who Returned Used Enemas; Floridian indicted for tampering with CVS product,” and here is the disturbing tale of the tail:
A Florida man has been indicted on a federal product tampering charge for allegedly returning used enemas to the shelves of the CVS pharmacy where he purchased the items. Ronald Eugene Robinson is accused in an indictment unsealed … in U.S. District Court in Jacksonville….
According to prosecutors, Robinson bought several “pre-packaged CVS Pharmacy Ready-to-Use enemas” between April and June of this year. After using the enemas, he placed them back into their boxes, resealed the containers, and returned the products for refunds.
The used enemas, reshelved by CVS workers, were subsequently sold to unsuspecting customers. The federal indictment charges that Robinson acted with “reckless disregard” and placed others “in danger of death or bodily injury.”…
The tampering probe was launched in June when a CVS employee told Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office deputies that a male customer — who had bought and returned enemas on several occasions — had tampered with a box. The pharmacy worker, Dustin McDonald, said that the customer claimed that he purchased the enemas for his mother, but “she no longer needed them,” according to a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report.
When the suspicious McDonald decided to “check the box of enemas to be sure that they were not tampered with,” he “observed that all the enemas were used.” The worker also noticed that, “the unknown white male…re-glued the bottom of the box so that it appeared that it had not been opened.”
McDonald then opened three other six-pack enema boxes on the store’s shelves and found that “all the enemas in each of the 3 boxes were previously used,” deputies noted. An analysis of the used products revealed that, “fecal matter was located on some of the returned enema bottles.”
If convicted of the felony rap, Robinson faces a maximum of ten years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Robinson, who is currently on state probation, has a lengthy rap sheet that includes arrests for burglary, battery, passing bad checks, damage to property, and criminal mischief.
The reader who sent me the link to this story asked, “What will the Guidelines be for such a crappy offense?”. In turn, I could not help butt wonder if the accused might be getting a bum rap. Some other posterior jokes in the comments to the linked story include: “He got what was coming to him in the end” and “Good detective work by the CVS employee, flushed him out” and “Public Enema #2.”
Of course, everyone is encouraged to come up with additional crappy jokes about the crime and potential sentencing in this case.